The Beautiful Struggle of Life

This week will be three weeks since I was released as a Young Church Service Missionary in the GREAT San Diego YCSM Mission. As I had my exit interview with my Mission President (and many other interviews for that matter) he told me that he hopes the year after being released is the hardest year. Well he'll be glad to hear that this last three weeks have been rough...

I'll definitely say that I've been oh so blessed! I have so many great friends and family members who have been nothing but supportive as I have been awkwardly transitioning from Full-Time Service Missionary to Full-Time Adult.

I've had one too many emotional breakdowns and I've probably had absolutely no reason for the majority of them.
I bring up my mission EVERY chance I get.
I also still look for my name tag on my chest when wearing church dress.

THIS. IS. HARD.

I've always been the type to have a plan, even if it wasn't the Lord's plan. I've had a plan for me and where I wanted to go. In 5, 10, 15, and 20 years. Of course I look back now and my life is nothing like I would have had it and I am ETERNALLY grateful for the chance I had to serve the Lord and follow His plan. But the thing is, I had a plan.

Since my mission has ended EVERYONE has one question for me. "What are you going to do now?"

I. DON'T. KNOW.

My whole mission all I did was trust the Lord and learn to rely on Him and now that's all I have and it kind of seems like a cop out. The Lord has this perfect plan for me and man do I know it, but after having such an amazing time serving the Lord and feeling of that power you get while serving the Lord I just wish my plan now was more defined (especially when everyone wants an answer  and you don't have one).

This week I went for a walk on the beach as it tends to calm my thoughts. As I was walking I just kept thinking, "Who am I?" For as long as I can remember I have had a "label" on me. I was a student, and then I was a missionary and now, what am I? This has been one of the biggest thoughts I've had as I've ended my mission.

WHO. AM. I.

I went to the temple on Thursday with my ward and though I felt sort of a rush of chaos as a million young single adults attended the baptistery, it was so much of a feeling of home. Not only was I surrounded by my favorite missionaries from the best mission, but I was HOME. I was in the House of the Lord with my brother Jesus Christ walking the halls as I stood there waiting my turn, or sat there taking in the silence. I'm realizing that's all I needed, was home.

Saturday night after serving in the temple my car sprung a leak and was getting way too hot. As I called my dad to save me (he's truly a superhero and I am so grateful for this man) and bawled my eyes out I just couldn't figure out why life was this way. Here I was contemplating who I was, I was so lost and all I wanted was an answer, and now I was stuck. Stuck on the side of the grade up to Valley Center as cars rushed past me driving 60 plus paying no regard to the fact that there was a 23 year old girl in that car.

Welcome to my life...

Once I got home and bawled some more I then went to bed and just pleaded for some sort of answer. I'm so sick of being confused and lost. I don't want to settle.

Sunday as I drove to church I couldn't keep myself from crying yet again (told y'all I'm a mess). As I turned down the radio and just sat in the truck I was so graciously allowed to drive I pleaded again to just know anything.

WHAT. AM. I. DOING.

Suddenly all I heard was "A Child's Prayer" playing in my head.

Now this didn't solve my problems, and in all reality it didn't solve any one of my problems. But I am so utterly confident that the Lord is aware of me. This has been one of the most trying times in my life and I know He loves me through it all. My life and my choices and the direction I am headed is not a cop out. I wouldn't be where I am right now without my mission and without the choices I have made previously. My wise bishop told me yesterday that one day I'll look back and connect these crazy dots in my life and as I look back today I see them already connecting.

I  am honestly so blessed with how the Lord has aligned my life. Though at this point in my life I don't specifically have a grand plan I know He does. When people ask me what I am doing I can respond with "Whatever the Lord has in store for me," because right now that's my only plan. I have an amazingly supportive family, a great job, a fantastic calling (that is keeping me sane right now), and some really great friends. I hope throughout this trying year after the mission I can be a tad more trusting and grateful and a lot less doubting.

My life is such a beautiful struggle, but I honestly wouldn't have it any other way.