Desire To Serve

The last year has thrown my life in a series of loops. Just when I thought I knew EXACTLY what I wanted, things took a turn & I was confused all over again. I just felt lost. I was physically, & mentally in this rut. I had no idea what I wanted or where The Lord wanted me.

Ever since I can little I remember wanting to serve a mission. I decided this when the mission age was still 21 so as a little girl being SO in control of her future I made a plan. I had a plan that if I was through school & as perpetually single as I planned to be by 21(my plan went great right?), I would serve a mission. I remember when the age changed to 19 for girls & I thought to myself, "Crap... Well I'm there. What do I do?!" I was like "Thanks Lord you ruined my PERFECT plan!!" I love to be in control & I felt like He was basically showing me that I never was in charge & that He could really do whatever He wanted to do (He does that a lot). So, He did. And that gave me the opportunity to make a choice.

And I struggled. A LOT.

As all of my friends stopped school to leave on missions, that's all I wanted to do too!! I wanted to get that mission call for & feel that spirit they felt, but with my own call. But, God said no. I was confused & upset. I've always been taught that if something is right & it feels right, then you do it. A mission was right, & seeing & hearing about others felt good!! BUT The Lord still said no. I didn't understand, but I did as He said & went on with life.

Now today, I understand as a year ago I was diagnosed with petite mal seizures. I look back now & realize that if I would have been out on a mission, I would have had an incident on my mission. The result of that would have been way more drastic than what I happened here at home & what I have been able to take care of & I am grateful for the voice of the Lord telling me no when I wanted a yes.

This past May I have graduated from Palomar with my Associates Degree & since then I've been overwhelmed with awkward Thanksgiving questions of what I am going to do next. I'm not exactly ready to keep going to school but I am not one to stand still. Like I said, I've just felt lost.

A mission is still something I've always wanted to do but with having been recently diagnosed with seizures I have too many doctors appointments in the next 2-3 years to where a proselyting mission is not something I am able to do. I am though, able to serve a service mission for the church, which is what I have decided to do. After talking with both my bishop & my parents & after a lot of prayer I feel as if the Lord is finally helping me find what I've been looking for.

Sometimes I think the Lord lets you wander a bit, doing good (but not great) things, & waiting patiently (or impatiently in my case) for Him to answer your questions about what He needs you to do. My initial plan was to take classes to keep me from being bored & play soccer just because it's routine & I didn't know what else to do. I figured that when the Lord had my answer He would tell me, but I was also really getting tired of waiting. All of a sudden answers just started flying in & I've dropped all my classes & my paperwork is done. All that is left is more waiting (which as you can see I'm EXTREMELY good at) in order to see where the Lord will have me serve.

The Lord won't leave you alone. Even though it took me 3 years to get to my mission I;m excited to finally be getting there & to get to serve the Lord in a higher capacity. Sometimes we have to be lost to be found, I'm glad the Lord knows that about us.